Thursday, February 26, 2009Y
Flooding with thoughts
Today, I had lunch with only 2 of the girls and hence heard loads or tons of sensational stories of the dramas in the company spewing out of them. I think it made me became more wary around people I thought I had grown to know for almost 2 month i guess. One thing that especially freaked me out was that they told me I was actually being evaluated by my immediate boss and the top angmoh boss also. I always thought I was only a temp and my presence didn't made much difference, except that I had helped lifted their work load tremendously, and at least my perfomace and work attitude won't be of much worth evaluating. I was kinda alarmed. Though deep down, I always knew you could never hide what you do in office, I felt positively uneasy when I heard it for myself that they discuss about me also. Inadvertently, many pairs of eye are watching, and unknowingly, your boss might just be lurking around some corner observing you, but not in a conspicuous manner because
they got to write a report on YOU. They also told me the auditors would also check the stuffs you do out of the blues and take you in for questioning when there are some discrepancies here and there. I know I made quite alot of mistake from the first day I started work. This is all the result of my dispositions, I dislike checking my own work because i find it tedious! I can be quite absent-minded as well. I can perform some stuffs and somehow it doens't register in my head and I forgot I've actually done it. That's why it's called absent-minded. You were there but you forgot you were there.
Back to the sensational talk with my colleagues. They inundated me with loads of stories, I wished the lunch break hadn;t end so soon because stories are always nice to listen to. Haha..Kapo. They confided in me all the stuffs cos they trust i won;t be goondu enough to blurt it out but I can't help but think that they might have grown to regret for telling me those stuffs they ought not to have told! I realised that a few of my conjectures were right -that there has been something nasty going on between this and this person from my observation of the interactions they have. It's pretty scary. The women in our department are not all that tamed and nice after all. Bitchy, unreasonable, blunt, gossipy, temperamental, shameless... you find all sorts of nonsense. I've had some unexpected encounters with some of them before until I became wiser and knew how to act so that I don't tread on their toes. I've got into sticky situations (unknowingly always)also despite the fact that I had been careful. It's always good to throw caution to the wind in new situations,
tests water (esp people's temperament and character) before you open your mouth, start yaking only to find that you've displeased someone. For instance, last week I was like discussing some issues with my colleagues because I was
'facing some sort of problem'. I think that aunty sensed worry or anixiety in my voice and she swerved around sounding exasperated that I was worrying for nothing and I shouldn't behave this way. That I was being inconsiderate because I was supposedly wasting my own time, wasting my colleague's time listening to my 'complaint'(as if they were complaints, duh) and i was making her vexed too. I was paralysed with shame. She talked so loudly I think all people in the office could hear. And of course I was perplexed becasue that was an unexpected assault. She tried to give me and endearing smile after that. But I was really burning with embarrassment. Sometimes, you feel so embarrassed that you just wished to stay very still in an attempt that by doing so, people would just look away from you so that you can hide your face. My colleagues fell silent immediately, perhaps they felt my embarrassment also. They told me to just stop mentioning stuffs because they knew she is exceptionally thick-skinned and blunt and that defending myself was of no use whatsoever becasue she will fight you shamelessly. I can't afford to, becasue my face isn't that thick.
I'm sorta in a dilemma. Becasue of my age, I am expected to be friendly and stuffs but not over the limit because they
demand respect from a young little girl like me as well. Sometimes, I do not know how to return their advances because though I'll want to tease them like I would with a friend, I'm afraid of being disrespectful. And when the uncles taunt or tease me, I don't know how to respond as well. Because it feels kinda odd. It's like you're flirting with someone who can be your dad or your uncle though I know they are harmless. But yet you cannot ignore them because then they'll classify you as being a snob. Then again, i learnt to shut up whenever necessary, whenever your instinct tells you to. There is no point in arguing even if your opponent is wrong (unless you are being accused), many swear by this to steer clear of enemies. Act Blur whenever necessarily, they say, cos there's again no meaning in showing you are a genius and you know stuffs. Some people want to save faces, especially ego men who think they are very well-educated and intelligent. They don't want to lose an argument with especially, a woman. This i tink is perhaps understandable? But bigots are turn-offs. Don't bully and don't be bullied. Be fierce and firm but don't intimidate. Don't be a sotong.(kena bully!) I realise sotongs aren't really stupid. They just admit their inadequacies and voice their doubts. Sometimes supposedly clever people don;t understand but they don;t ask or show signs of incomprehension, hence they are thought to be quick-witted. Accept people for who they are; you got to work with them no matter how annoying he/she is. But voice out whenever necessary. IN the case of one of my colleague, she has an opinion of her own but she never dares to voice out or express her unhappiness. For example she was thoroughly upset that she didn't get the pay increment as did her counterpart whose job scope is identical to hers. She became very solemn, cried and made a din. The boss knew she was unhappy, he wanted her to voice out but she didn't and the boss certainly didn't like it. He did not like people who only lived in the shadows of others. Then there's supposedly this guy who has earned the reputation of being 'autistic' who was so frustruated that he wrote a mail to his group leader that was heavily punctuated with 'f*ck'. And that guy who only nagged at me about work's first personal words with me was that 'fruits and meals shouldn't be taken together because they make your stomache upset'. LOL.
4:48 AM
